mrsmomdragon

Late July. The heat of the summer.

The pools are in full swing and the popsicles and s’mores supplies are flying off of the shelves. Campgrounds and fishing holes are right in the middle of their busy season and neighborhoods are flooded with the laughter of children. Yet, each time we go into the store, the shelves are beginning to fill up with notebooks, lunchboxes, pencils, and dorm supplies.

For some, summer is just beginning. They are in the thick of it.

For some, their time of rest is slowly waning and they are preparing to head back into the classroom. For some, they are counting down the days until they get to send their kids back to school.

And, for some…all they can do is grasp at each dwindling day before they say “see ya later” to their child who is getting ready to move off to college. No one can prepare you for this day, let alone the months of thinking of leading up to the “day”. Whether your child is moving out 12 minutes away, or 1200 miles away doesn’t matter…they’re leaving the nest.

The nest that you have done your very best to be a place of protection, comfort, and love. How can we just let them leave? But guess what? As hard as it is to admit it, they were never meant to stay. This was the plan all along. Those once babies, weren’t designed to remain in comfort. They were designed to be loved, taught, encouraged and nudged. And, although it’s scary for a brief moment, they step out…and fly.

As a parent, our mind begins to fill with questions and doubts like, “have I done enough?”…”did I give them my very best while they were home?”…and the big one…”are they ready?”

Yes.

Yes-you did and Yes-they are. Although it may not feel like it now, rest assured you provided your child with all of the tools they need and I promise you they are thankful for you. They are going to be ok. You are going to be ok.

This new season of parenthood isn’t easy, but it sure is beautiful. I’m not going to lie…it stings. I have never cried so hard in my life. It’s a painful process for your kids to leave, but it’s also equally, if not more, beautiful. It’s a beautiful thing to watch your children leave the nest with everything you’ve given them and become who they are meant to be.

Just a mom here who has let two of her three little birds fly, encouraging you to hang on and continue to enjoy this ride–motherhood isn’t over just because they are leaving. Motherhood just looks a little different now.

So, enjoy the rest of your summer and soak all of these moments in with yours. Try not to dwell on the past, but focus on the great life you still have ahead of you and they have ahead of them!

Let them fly. You won’t regret it.

Ah, family movies.

You know, the kind that when you pull out the old camcorder to hook it up to your tv, your 9 year old calls it a projector? The kind before we had smart phones and could quickly and easily delete something we didn’t want to keep? The kind where your family sits around and laughs, giggles, and cries because everything the kids did were so cute and you just miss them that little? The kind where your husband records you at 9 months pregnant sitting on the potty? The kind that pull on your heart strings because those were seasons of your life that, although felt long at the time, quickly flew by? Yes, those.

This week, the kids asked if we could watch some. It’s been a very long time since we have pulled them out of the box, so we have spent some time reminiscing. Usually, when I watch I find myself reliving those moments with our kids as babies/toddlers. Remembering the way it felt when their little cabbage patch arms would hug my neck, or the way their little voices sounded calling my name. Usually after we watch, I look at the kids and feel a sense of pride, but this week, I found myself closely watching other people on the screen…Ray and I.

Yes, I was still reminiscing about our babies, but this time I was looking at the two kids on the screen who had no idea what they were doing.

Ray and I were still babies ourselves starting a family of our own. Seeing clips of our first apartment with our futon as a couch…we had no idea what we were doing.

I could sense the excitement, watching us fold baby clothes that had never been worn. Just watching tv just waiting for a baby to come, but knowing we had no idea what kind of a rollercoaster we were about to ride on…we had no idea what we were doing.

I could see the look of fear in my trying-to-smile- face as the doctors and nurses were giving me oxygen because Em’s heart rate dropped so fast…we had no idea what we were doing.

I could hear the tremble in Ray’s voice expressing excitement (but also a sense of fear) when he called the family members to let them know that “she’s here!” or “he’s here!”…we had no idea what we were doing.

Remembering that “What The French toast” moment we had when we pulled away from the hospital with a new baby in the back of our two door Blazer…we had no idea what we were doing.

Today, after watching numerous home videos, I feel a sense of pride… but this time it was for Ray and I. We had no idea what we were doing, but damn, we have come a long way. When we got married, so many of our friends and family said we were crazy. You know, maybe we were, but here we are almost 18 years and 3 kids later. We have leaned on each other through some amazing and tough times. We have given our marriage to God and centered our family around Him.

Have we made mistakes? Yes, Have we had victories? Yes. Have we had failures? Yes. Are there still things we are learning? Absolutely. But we have grown, and learned so much together since 2003 that I just can’t help but want to reach through the screen and tell young Ray and Caiti that everything is going to be ok. (But first, I would like to tell myself to cut up that freaking choking hazard of a hot dog for my one year old son) I would skip telling them everything they would go through, but I would encourage them to continue doing their best. Oh, and I would tell them that someday, their family would sit and watch these videos together and say, “Do you guys even know what you’re doing?”

No, no we don’t…and that’s ok.

So, tonight the kids and I were driving home from an afternoon at my in-laws. I put on my Worship playlist and throughout the 45 minute drive home, we probably listened to a total of about 3 songs because I kept having to turn down the music. I found myself getting frustrated because all I wanted to do was listen to music, yet here I was listening to the kids giggle about farts, talk about Jurassic World, and repeatedly ask what our plans were for tomorrow. (It’s summer miniature people…we have no plans!)

About the 14th time I turned down the music it was because Eydan (my 7 year old) had a question. He said, “Mommy, do you ever wonder if it’s you talking in your head or if it’s actually God talking to you?” After a moment of thinking about conversations I’ve had in my own head wondering if it was truly God’s voice, I said,  “Yes buddy I do. Sometimes it’s hard for me to decide who is talking. So, how do you know if it’s God or you?” Without even skipping a beat he said, “Well His voice is WAY deeper than mine!” I told him that would be very helpful and then asked if they talk and if so, what kind of conversations they have?  He said, “We talk about lots of stuff, but He really likes it when I tell him jokes.” Now, if anyone knows our Eydan, you know he is our little comedian always making us laugh, and always keeping us on our toes. So, to know that not only does he make God smile every day, but the kid gets Him to laugh.

In that brief moment, I was giggling thinking about God laughing at Eydan’s jokes with a jolly, low, Santa Claus-ish laugh. But, now looking back I am in awe of a God who has conversations with my 7 year old and laughs at his jokes making him feel so very special inside. In that moment, I was glad I turned down the music for the umpteenth time so I could hear my sweet boy share his heart with us. It’s a conversation I know I will remember forever, and I hope he does too.

In that moment, I realized that it’s ok to just sit in quiet. Although it was good music I was listening to, sometimes we need to be quiet in order to hear His voice. Life is so busy and loud that it’s ok to just be still. Sometimes you won’t hear His voice in your own head…sometimes you’ll hear it in the sweet voice of your 7 year old.

A little over two years ago, I felt a little “nudge” in my spirit. It caught me off guard because this quiet whisper in my soul was to do something that I never thought I could do.

At the time, I was serving in the church nursery where I had served since we began attending Mosaic. I was comfortable there. One day, there was a tug on my heart and I heard, worship team. Haha, right. The girl who is extremely uncomfortable in front of others? The girl who never went for the solos in high school? The same girl who was currently struggling in college with the amount of oral presentations that she needed to give? The girl who immediately turns red when asked to pray in a group? No way would God have been talking to me. That little nudge must have been directed at someone else and I just happened to get in the way of that. There is NO WAY that God would call me to do something that would make me so uncomfortable…I mean, He knows my fear of public speaking right? Being on a worship team ON STAGE can’t be too far from that!

Anyway, with a little encouragement from Ray, I decided to sing a duet with him to ease into it a little bit. Although I felt like my legs were spaghetti, my face was as red as a tomato, and I am pretty sure that I sped up the song just to get it over with…I did it. A few weeks went by and the worship leader, Caleb said, “Hey, I think you’re ready to lead a song!”

Whaaaaaat? (In my best minion voice) “God, I was totally ok with being a background singer, you know that right?” Ugh. Of course He does. But, I listened and I actually led some songs. I remember one week Caleb scheduled me for a song that normally another girl sang. A girl with some serious pipes! I mean, she was good.  All of the insecurities and unworthiness began to creep in and I remember messaging him saying that I wasn’t sure I was comfortable singing her song because she was SO GOOD and I didn’t want to mess it up! I will never forget the text that I got back from him that said, “Caiti, we all have different voices, but everyones needs to be heard. You’re going to do great.” Isn’t it funny how with just a little encouragement from your friends and loved ones, your whole perspective can change?

Although originally, the thought of the worship team scared me to death, I thank God for placing me on that team. I have made new friends, grown as an individual, and have been able to be a part of something so much bigger than me.

I’m not going to say that it has been a piece of cake because I’m learning so much about myself as I go along, or that I don’t second guess myself sometimes (like when I forget a complete verse of a song)…but, I will say that it has been easier because I know who is within me, and I know Who these songs are being sung for. Yes, public speaking still ranks #1 on my list of Caiti’s Scariest Things, but being on stage during worship is nothing like that.

As I was thinking about this, I thought about another time that I felt a similar nudge. I had all of these stories to share and I felt a stir-start a blog. Again, I let all of the doubt settle in. Who am I to write a blog and really who would read my silly stories? But guess what, starting this blog was one of the best things I have ever done. Not only has it been healing for me, but I truly believe that through these words, others are able to heal a little as well…even if it’s just through laughter.

I’ve learned that God wants to push us. Not to embarrass us or make us uncomfortable…but because He knows we can do it!God has a really good way of revealing things within us that we never knew were even there. But with His nudges and whispers we slowly learn what we truly are capable of doing.

If you feel like you are being nudged, don’t ignore it because you don’t feel like you’re qualified or because you may feel that there is someone else better for the job. He knows what He’s doing…pay attention to those nudges and trust the process.